Idiots across the country have today come out in defense of opening a beer bottle with your teeth, claiming that it is “undeniable proof of manliness” and that men who don’t do it “are not real men”.
Derek Carter, here pictured opening a beer bottle with his teeth to take attention away from his less-than-manly physique, hairstyle and glasses, claimed that it is his belief that “nothing looks cooler than popping the bottle with your teeth” and that “using an opener is for pussies and barmen.”
Mr. Carter claimed that he has been opening bottles with his teeth ever since being bullied in his teen years for being effeminate and crap at sports with a “girly throw” and the “coordination of cow on a bike”.
“I was also making the mistake of sucking on the top of beer bottles and sliding my tongue down the shaft when drinking,” he continued. “I was enjoying the beer so much that rolling my tongue around it slavishly just seemed like the right thing to do.”
“Even though no gay man in the history of recorded time has willfully enjoyed such crude phallic symbolism, my school mates still thought I was gay,” disclosed Derek. “Despite my insistence that I wasn’t gay and was only catching the creamy froth that spilled down the neck of the bottle, they ostracised me. It was only after I grabbed a beer and cracked it open with my teeth that they began to accept me and I realised that manliness, or seeming manliness, is nothing more than a display of reckless brawn.”
Mr. Carter claims that opening a bottle with his teeth has made him more confident in his own masculinity and improved his success with members of the opposite sex. “Women definitely get wet when I do it, they kind of squint and tut disapprovingly while shaking their heads as if to say ‘who the fuck is that sexy specimen and what did he just do with that bottle'”
“They see you using your teeth in an aggressive and careless manner and naturally want to sleep with you,” he explained. “If you open a bottle with your teeth you’re basically showing that them that you’re an all action super star who’d probably be able to bring down a bull with your bare hands.”
Derek’s girlfriend, who lists Instagramming her various hairstyles, “films involving people using breakdancing to escape from the hood” and “online bullying” as her hobbies, insists that Derek opening bottles with his teeth drew her to him. “It’s both sexy and butch,” she explained. “I’d totally fuck any guy who did it, I’m wet just thinking about it. You think if he can do that with his mouth then what else can he do?”
“Sure, Derek has lost some teeth and done irrevocable damage to his gums, but it’s totally worth it,” she added. “If you want to make an omelette then you’re going to have to unnecessarily break some teeth and spend hundreds on dental bills.”
