Baby shit-pants manufacturers, Pampers, have today announced a remarkably useful line of nappies that have been exclusively designed for DJs playing long sets.
“It can hold the piss and/or shit for up to 12 hours before the DJ will need to change or start smelling vaguely of human excrement,” explained a Pampers spokesperson, Alex, who said that he had personally tested the nappies, a picture of which is supplied of him modelling the nappy in the company of a fluffy teddy bear named DJ Cuddles who he insists is not a sexual partner.
The marketing strategy is leaning towards house and techno luminaries who play actual sets that last longer than the typical 2 hour EDM synced mashup “although the younger DJs like Aiden Jude or horribly incontinent like Steve Aoki will also benefit from the nappies”.
“They’re shaped to fit seamlessly and unnoticeably beneath the DJ’s skinny jeans or leather chaps,” he continued. “They can be worn on stage, during long studio sessions or even just for ease around the house or strutting naked to the shop to buy milk or in Berghain where you will blend in perfectly.”
“Pampers claim that their market research concluded that up to 50% of all DJs had at one time or another pissed or shat themselves on stage with 100% of those surveyed saying they enjoyed the freedom of ‘just going’ in front of so many people,” Alex added. “With these new nappies they can do that without the unforgiving social fallout of shitting yourself in public.”
“There used to be a toilet below the desks so DJs could just unzip and go,” he concluded, “but that led to hygiene issues with piss and shit trickling down into the audience and sometimes contaminating the vats of drinking water that are used to give free water to dancers at the front barrier.”
“Unfortunately when people discovered that the water contained DJ excrement they began selling it on eBay or dousing themselves in it and refusing to wash,” he added.
