Dance music fans across the globe went into high alert mode upon hearing the devastating and potentially life threatening news that Canadian pop cretin Justin Bieber is working on a dance music album.
The album, which some have claimed is going to be ghost produced by Afrojack’s ghost producer’s producer, has been in the works ever since last summer when Justin Bieber began thinking he was a DJ by punching people in mixing booths, getting tattoos and going unnecessarily topless.
“People are really scared,” claimed one dance music industry insider who says that when surveying people’s fears of the imminent album their responses ranged from ‘meh’ to ‘ah for fuck’s sake’ all the way to ‘quick, get into the panic room, we’ll drink our piss and eat the young to survive’.
“Ever since his appearance at Ultra with pop-EDM apologists Diplo and Skrillex, the terror that people have been feeling has reached fever pitch,” added the insider. “They’re not just afraid for the state of dance music, but for their own lives too.”
“Most people are comparing the release of this album to things like – the armageddon of popular US Christian folk lore, the film The Day After Tomorrow and, most terrifyingly, JFK being shot on 9/11 in Pearl Harbour aboard the Titanic,” continued the insider.
“So obviously they’re scared in a sustained and imaginative way,” he added.
Not everyone is experiencing the same level of fear and anxiety for the album, with EDM impressario Calvin Harris supporting Justin’s foray into dance music claiming that the Canadian “knows his stuff. I pointed to a mixer and he guessed what it was correctly” before suggesting that the album could eclipse Daft Punk’s Random Access Memories in mass appeal to people who don’t know what they’re talking about.
“Those kind of crossover hits are where the money is to be made,” he added.
Rumours about the album which suggest that Bieber will sing and write on the album while also taking a poorly judged stab at ‘a techno track’ have been met with panic by certain sections of the population who fear that Bieber’s take on techno will be “butchery of a level akin to the work of an actual butcher, or the full scale butchery of an entire musical genre, like Joe Pesci’s rap track Wise Guy“.
Advisors have recommended that people try to limit their exposure to the album by not listening to popular radio stations, reading newspapers, turning on the TV or using the internet claiming “that’s the only way to stop the spread”.
Emergency response stations are expected to be set up around the country called ‘nightclubs’ where people can go to shelter from the pop EDM onslaught by listening to the bangingest techno imaginable.
