Paris Hilton has reportedly secured a full season residency in Pacha next summer by buying the club and the entire brand.
Hilton is believed to be considering a “seven nights a week” residency in the Ibiza superclub after claiming that current residents, such as Solomun and Maceo Plex, “just aren’t hot right now”.
“I’m not even sure who those guys are,” said Hilton when questioned about the current Pacha residents. “One of them looks totally old and the other looks like a hobbit. There’s no way they’re playing in my club next summer. They’re, like, totally not hot.”
“I have some totally amazing plans for Pacha next year,” continued the hotel heiress. “First off, I’m probably going to change the club’s name from Pacha to Pugs, Prada and Prosecco, it sounds way better and all of those things are so hot right now.”
“I’m going to have nights themed around pugs, Prada and prosecco too, so instead of foam parties I’ll be having pug parties, where I’ll shoot thousand of puppies into the club through big cannons and everyone will be, like, totally covered in dogs. It’s going to be so hot.”
With eleven clubs spanning three continents, Pacha now offers Hilton the opportunity to become a truly international DJ.
“This is, like, totally my big break,” claimed Paris. “I’m probably going to go on a bit of atour over the winter, which is good because I really need a holiday after this summer, it’s a good thing DJing is so easy, all I have to do is stand there looking hot and now that I own the clubs I’ll be playing in I’ll be able to tell the security guards to make sure I’m totally the hottest girl there.”