’90s DJing hero, Paul Oakenfold, has today been on the receiving end of accusations claiming that he is the mysterious alien hunter from 1980s documentary, The Predator.
Witnesses have reported that they were first alerted to the possibility that the DJ was the predator due to the striking similarities between Oakey’s flowing locks, sunglasses and jawline and those of the predator. One witness, who refuses to be named for fear of his life, said that he attempted to prove his suspicions by pulling Oakenfolds hair which “fell off his head and actually wasn’t hair at all but a kind of thick tube that released a hiss of gas when detached, just like the predator.”
The unnamed witness further claimed that at a show in 1997 he witnessed Oakenfold use a “three-pronged shoulder mounted laser” to kill an audience member who the trance DJ had spotted carrying a knife, which the witness explains as being the result of Oakenfold’s innate tendency to hunt humans carrying weapons.
At the time Oakenfold said that the only lasers present were the ones that were part of the lighting rig and that the dead man’s gaping and cauterized chest wound was probably caused by “a stray cigarette or the combination of too much Lynx Africa and a lighter.”
Since the strange accusations were leveled at Oakey other people have come forward to provide evidence which appears to add credence to the claims with one man claiming he “found human skulls and what looked like futuristic weaponry hidden behind a secret wall in Oakenfold’s recording studio,” as well as “a luminous green goo on his toothpaste” which the man claims is actually Oakenfold’s alien blood.
When asked if he liked to hunt humans for sport Oakenfold refused to comment. The DJ also refused to cut himself to show members of the press what colour his blood was, which only served to heighten suspicions.
Declassified CIA files claim that someone fitting Oakenfold’s description butchered two highly trained special forces teams on a black op mission in the South American jungle in 1987.
“At first we thought it was two or three guys out there at the most and not a fucking lizard,” claimed lone survivor Dutch. “He had this ability to camouflage himself so that he blended into the trees, Oakey has been doing the same thing on the dance music scene for years.”
“There’s not a doubt in my mind that it’s him, I wouldn’t forget those eyes anywhere,” concluded Dutch. “Even if you look at his song titles, ‘Bullet In The Gun’, or ‘Faster Kill Pussycat.’ Who could have come up with titles like that except for a misanthropic and violent, camouflaged space lizard?”
I agree.