According to the latest research, people who perform the instantly regrettable dance move, the dab, in public are more than likely cunts.
The dab, which is the equivalent of sniffing your own armpit, took the world by storm last year after a number of high-profile celebrities were seen endorsing it but, now, it seems that the tide has turned for dabbing with almost every one of the opinion that it makes you look like a moron.
“No way would I ever be seen dabbing in public and I’m not afraid to make a total cunt of myself on the dancefloor,” claimed full-time interpretive dance artist and part-time professional footballer Peter Crouch. “I’ve used all the big moves before, the robot, obviously, the locomotive, big fish little fish cardboard box, you name it, I’ve done it but there’s no way I’d dab.”
“I can see why people got into it at the start,” revealed the Stoke City player. “It’s the whole sheep mentality but surely after seeing people doing it over and over again and realizing how stupid it looks, they’d realize that it’s not cool, it’s not trendy and it’s not smart. It’s stupid. It’s like my old mum always used to say ‘if you saw your friends jumping off a cliff would you do it?’ and the answer is no, I’m probably tall enough to step off it.”
“Once that cunt Pogba started doing it I knew its days were numbered,” revealed Crouch. “He ruins everything to be honest with you. He’s ruined flashy haircuts, he’s ruined hashtags and now he’s ruined dance based celebrations. Luckily for me, what I do isn’t actually dancing, it’s art, so I’m alright, it’s the kids copying him and making themselves look like total cunts that I feel sorry for.”
According to experts, major festivals could be set to introduce “cunt zones” where people will be able to go to dance like cunts, while listening to their favorite cunt bands and DJs, with Coldplay and David Guetta likely to headline.