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March 29, 2014
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People Performing Heart Hands Ejected From Ultra Festival

In a strict anti-heart hand clampdown the organisers of Ultra festival have been ejecting practitioners of the popular pithy gesture and denying them re-entry to the festival grounds.

All people attending the event are searched and warned on the way into the event that there will be zero tolerance approach taken to heart hands and that anyone caught doing it will be ejected on sight.

Security staff have been briefed on the profile of those people most likely to perform the gesture singling out people who have “an overly sincere love for dance music that isn’t that good but who aren’t aware of that, people dressed in candy and shirtless men with buff tans”.

So far up to 50 ejections have been made, one of which was DJ Nicky Romero who accidentally made the gesture when he was scratching his thumb during his set and was forcibly ejected from stage with his set cut short.

People are encouraged to fist pump, gurn and whistle to their heart’s content say organisers but they claim that they’ve had enough of the reckless proliferation of heart hands insisting that the gesture long ago lost any kind of meaning or value and should not be performed by any self respecting dance fan.

“I’m a bit annoyed, I was planning on doing it,” insisted one fan, “but after seeing people being hit with batons and thrown out for doing it I think I’ll stay on the safe side and keep my hands in my pockets. I don’t want to run the risk of doing it without thinking after an insane drop.”

“Some people will still always think they’re above the law and try to do it,” concluded the statement, “but hopefully we’ll be able to weed people out and make some arrests.”

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