Humans now favour playing around on their phones more than enjoying physical intimacy with another person, it has been revealed.
A report from the Berkeley Institute of Studies claims that the vast majority of humanity would now favour mindlessly gawking at a screen more than “holding hands with a loving partner” or “engaging in the briefest acknowledgement of another person’s existence”.
“Our studies show that people are now deriving the vast majority of their pleasure from looking at their devices on the bus or toilet,” claimed lead scientist Barry Holmes. “Actual connection with another human being is now seen more as a distraction than a good in itself.”
“Our reports show that people are now preferring to forgo all bonds of humanity to spend more time playing Minecraft or mapping their run on their phones,” continued Barry via Instagram. “Increasingly we’re noticing that highly addicted phone users begin to see other humans and the rest of the world as a simulacra of their phone experience and attempt to swipe right on people in real life and become agitated when they can’t just press reality and shift it about like tiles on a phone.”
Most people will still stare blankly at their phone while in the company of other people and only look up from their phones to snigger quietly at an episode of Take Me Out on the telly.
“I haven’t hugged or made eye contact with another person since I got my Galaxy S5,” claimed one respondent, Angus, who has forgotten how to have a conversation in non-text speak. “To be honest m8, I’m actually in the middle of a game of Football Manager so if you’d kindly fuck off that’d be great.”
“Even apps that purportedly connect people like Facebook and Tinder are becoming more satisfying to people than actually meeting other humans,” continued Barry. “We can now window shop for friends and lovers without actually going through the effort of having to engage with them in person.”
“Yeah well ok you can’t feel the warmth of a phone lying beside you in bed on a cold morning or have sex with it,” concluded Angus. “But humans don’t have a Flappy Birds or an app that lets you order takeaways, and phones can get kinda warm and you can watch porn on em.”
