Pilot On Acid Who Thought He Could Fly Fired By Ryanair
A Ryanair pilot has been dismissed by the company for thinking he could fly while on a heavy dose of LSD. The incident occurred earlier this week on a flight from London to Berlin.
The pilot, Mr. Randy Butt, based in Dublin but originally from the US, had decided to take the LSD in preparation for a night out in Berghain in Berlin. According to his lawyer, Pace McHale of the company McHale, Shane and Ryan, his client didn’t realise how quickly the substance would take hold.
“My client is deeply sorry,” said Mr. Butt’s lawyer at a press conference today. “He is also deeply aware of the transcendent ephemeral beauty in all things, and as such doesn’t really give a shit about losing his job.”
Mr. Butt himself was unavailable for comment as he was busy chasing a squirrel in his local park while wearing a linen robe and face-paint, which he claims protects him from “litigious assholes with no sense of perspective.”
Ryanair CEO and world-class cheapskate, Michael O’Leary issued a statement today via a previously used scrap of paper he found in his office waste-paper bin. It said, “We apologise to our customers for any inconvenience caused by Mr. Butt’s behaviour. We assure you we had no knowledge of his state of mind when he boarded the plane, despite him talking incessantly to his co-pilot about the array of colours he could see inside his soul. We thought that he had just been starved for oxygen due to our new cost cutting measure, where we only recycle the air once every four hours on each plane.”
He continued, “We do not condone the use of any illegal substance. However, the incident has given us some ideas for a new business plan. We will have an in-flight chill out area in the near future, the in-flight magazine will now stock marijuana while over Dutch airspace, and we will begin our first long-haul flights to Colombia this Autumn. Anything to make an extra shilling.”
The former pilot, Mr. Butt, has informed us through his lawyer that he plans to use his new found lightness of being to compete with Ryanair, offering trips to London for passengers willing to sit on his back as he attempts the first actual human flight on acid.