Police Arrest Conman Charging €100K Per Hour To Be Human iPod
Police have today finally arrested a conman who has had a twenty year career exploiting stupid people by charging them upwards of €100,000 per night to be “basically a human iPod”.
The conman, identified as Armin Van Buuren (pictured), a 38-year-old career criminal from Leiden in Netherlands who specialises in conning people into paying him extortionate amounts of money to fiddle some knobs and play records for an hour, was apprehended outside an Ibiza nightclub by an Interpol taskforce who had been tracking him for years.
“Mr. Van Buuren has been working the dance music scene for years, charging unsuspecting people large fees for DJing services that are never actually carried out, or if carried out, are not worth anything near €100k per night,” claimed an Interpol spokesperson. “To see Armin Van Buuren stand behind some decks while Intense plays the only accurate price would be maybe a fiver or half a cheese and crisps sandwich.”
“We’re glad we’ve finally caught him and hope that he can provide us with information on the ring of conmen who are collectively known as ‘the entire EDM scene,'” he continued. “There’s around 80 guys out there who are doing what Van Buuren does on a regular basis and it’s time they were brought to justice.”
Victims have claimed that they’ve paid Armin for his so-called service but were disappointed to discover that he only “plays pre-set selections of terrible EDM songs while holding his hands in the air Christ-like and smiling”.
“For €100k you expect to get something a bit special but it was very run-of-the-mill,” explained one victim, who booked Armin in 2010. “I spent my entire life savings bringing him over to my college and he only pressed play on an iPod for an hour while sporadically jumping on the spot, drinking Cristal and snorting cocaine.”
“For that kind of money I could have had the original Led Zeppelin lineup play for 8 hours in my living room,” he added. “Instead I had a Boris Johnson lookalike gurn and play vocal-heavy trance tracks while fireworks exploded in the background.”
Police claim that Van Buurren is only the most successful of a group of highly talented conmen who have somehow convinced an entire group of people that they possess artistic integrity and that their mere presence pressing buttons is enough to warrant charging €100k per night.
“We’re keen to talk to anyone who can give us information on what Van Buuren has called ‘the DJ Mag Top 100’ as we believe they are engaging in similar cons to Mr. Van Buuren and charging stupid people lots of money to see them ‘DJ’,” concluded the Interpol spokesperson while leading Van Buuren to a cell where it is hoped he will never con anyone again. “Some of the names that Van Buuren has already given us include Aoki, Guetta and Calvin Harris but if people have any more information they are advised to contact Interpol immediately.”