The European Commission made waves earlier today when they announced that England is to be renamed Poundland post-Brexit, after failing to keep up repayments on its Eurozone debts.
The move comes after Great Britain royally shafted itself by leaving the European Union in June, expecting cash money to start bursting from pipes, drains and assorted plumbing fixtures in colourful plumes akin to a mid-nineties Skittles commercial, much to the bemusement of neighbouring nations.
We spoke to Francois Croissant, head of the EU Commission’s patisserie committee, to find out more about the UK’s monetary woes, “Yes we’re all quite shocked here by the UK’s total failure to grasp the financial situation they are in.”
“Since leaving the EU, they have claimed numerous times that all their narrow minded little islanders will still be able to potter about wherever they want on the continent, think they are still entitled to enter the Eurovision song contest and asked us multiple times if they can borrow the lawn mower,” explained Mr Croissant whilst redesigning the map of popular board game Risk.
“The answer to all of these questions of course is ‘can they fuck’.”
“That’s why, as of January 2017, England will be renamed Poundland on all EU sanctioned maps and the St George’s Cross will be replaced with a blue carrier bag on a stick, a bit like the ones you get with your tin of Kestrel from an off-license. We will also be adding a five pence carrier bag charge to their national debt,” continued Mr Croissant.
“I think it also speaks tremendous volumes that you’re asking the EU’s head of patisserie, in essence the man who ensure there’s enough cakes and pastries available at all EU board meetings, to explain to England what a ridiculous decision they have made. Anyway that will be all. Thank you.”
Wales, one of the most pro-Brexit areas in the UK, is also reportedly in negotiations to do a branded content deal with their EU debtors which will see them renamed as Wonga.com, more information on these developments as we get them.
