An Irish priest who was caught spiking the Eucharist with ketamine, to give his parishioners a “more spiritual mass”, has been named Priest of the Year at this year’s annual Priest Awards.
The award, which is decided by public vote, has created a real dilemma for the Vatican who defrocked and excommunicated the priest after he was caught tampering the Eucharist in early October.
“You don’t fuck with the Eucharist,” confirmed Vatican spokesperson Father Brad Thomas. “As a priest you can pretty much get away with anything, this collar is a free ticket to the good time train but there are lines that you just don’t cross and the Eucharist is definitely one of them. What kind of lunatic messes around with the body of Christ? I don’t know what this guy was thinking.”
“Normally, when one of us fucks up we’re just sent to South America, Africa or Glasgow, somewhere nobody wants to go, and left to rot,” continued Father Thomas. “But this guy had to go, this is probably the biggest abuse of trust by the Catholic Church since we were caught selling unblessed holy water in the early 90s, you may not have heard about that because we did a pretty good job brushing it under the carpet.”
Wunderground also spoke to thirty nine year old Glen Walsh, who voted for the priest in question, about his recent experiences in mass, “It’s not the same since they got rid of what’s his name? The wonky priest. 2016 has been such a shit year, Bowie, Limmy, Prince, Space closing and then Father K. The sooner this year’s over the better.”
“He had the church packed out of it every Sunday,” continued Walsh. “I haven’t seen a church buzzing like that since Mauro Picotto played the Temple Theater in 2001. Now, since they got rid of him, they’re lucky if there’s half a dozen aul ones in there for mass. Stupid poxy church don’t know what’s good for them.”
While no official decision has been made about the priest’s future by the Vatican, Wunderground sources can reveal that he has been offered an MC residency in one of Dublin’s most popular nightclubs, more on this as we get it.