Putin Bans Dance Music From Olympics Claiming It’s “Too Gay”
Russian president and bastion of manliness, Vladimir Putin, has insisted that dance music be banned from the Olympic village in Sochi on the grounds that it is “too gay”.
Russia, which has borne the brunt of criticism regarding the homophobic stance of its anti-gay propaganda law, has decided to include “most forms of dance music” on its banned list of “potentially gay material” along with Broadway musicals, jazz hands and “being respectful of other people’s sexual orientation”.
“It’s a form of music that promotes gayness,” claimed Mr. Putin, seen here enjoying a totally hetero cup of tea by keeping his baby finger from sticking out. “Nightclubs where it is played are centres for homosexual activity with repeated sightings of sweaty, topless men dancing provocatively to dark music. They dance all night and hug each other quite gayly.”
Mr. Putin has warned that anyone who is found listening to dance music may face a hefty fine or time in prison. “We’re operating the penalties on a rolling scale, those caught listening to hard forms like industrial techno will be let off with a warning while anyone listening to house or disco will face more stringent measures as police believe these genres ‘are definitely the gayest.'”
Other measures enacted by Putin include the redaction of any gay anthems to more hetero friendly lyrics with “It’s Raining Men” being changed to “It’s Raining Women” and any rendition of Daft Punk’s smash hit Get Lucky to be performed by the mustachioed members of the Russian security forces.
“People need to stop listening to music that has a gay undertone or clever disguised gayness to it,” he concluded. “They should listen to classic rock bands like Elton John, or Queen. There’s nothing gay about them.”