An English pyromaniac has confirmed that he is definitely getting lit this weekend.
Ian “The Flame” Hendry, a twenty-three-year-old liability, has revealed that he will be attending Inferno, his favourite club night, and plans to get “lit to fuck” while there.
“I can’t wait, I’ve been looking forward to this weekend for days now,” he told us earlier on. “I’ve not been out for nearly a week so I’m really buzzing for this. I’m gonna be getting lit to fuck, I’ve ordered ten pills, an eight of charlie and four grams of kezza, it’s gonna be a proper mental one.”
“I’m so excited that I’ve hardly even been thinking about lighting fires,” claimed the firestarter, the twisted firestarter. “Which sounds good but it’s actually a lot worse, instead of thinking about lighting them I light them without thinking about it. I haven’t got any post all week because I have a match underneath it the minute it comes through the letterbox.”
“Honestly, I think I’m just going to lock myself away in my room from now until the weekend, If I can’t get my hands on any lighters, matches, sticks, stones or magnifying glasses nothing can go wrong,” continued Hendry, who claims to have taught Ray Mears how to light a fire with soggy wool. “The last thing I need is to be in the hospital or arrested because I’ve set my bed on fire, again.”
According to reports, Mr Hendry’s big night out was ruined after he was prematurely ejected from the club for starting “the roof is on fire” chant, security staff later stood by their decision to throw him out claiming it was a “boy who cried wolf scenario”.