A woman in the United States has been left distraught after discovering that a man who was a good dancer was actually quite shit in bed.
The incident, which commentators have suggested turns the entire artifice of human knowledge on its head and forces humanity to reevaluate some of its most sacred tenets, was believed to have happened in a New York nightclub last weekend.
“I was just dancing with my girls around some handbags we placed on the floor to mark our territory when suddenly this really attractive, confident guy came along and started doing the most amazing dance moves,” explained Sarah Bradshaw. “Straight away, without even copping a scope of his junk-bulge, we all agreed that he was stunning in bed.”
“There’s certain signs that you’re taught to look out for from the time you first open a lifestyle magazine,” explained Sarah sagely, “and those signs are that men who are good dancers are good in bed, that’s just a fact. You can also judge a man by his shoes and men who are good listeners probably give good head and aren’t just listening to you patiently because they’ve also read women’s magazines and realise that’s a good thing to do.”
Sarah claims she brought Mark home in the hopes that he’d “probably go down on [her] for a good half hour” before taking her “firmly yet gently, displaying confidence, strength, attentiveness, sensitivity, humour, masculinity, femininity, and stamina” as well as a whole host of other, largely contradictory qualities that it is impossible for an actual human to display at one time.
“When we got back to my place he kissed me and we started fooling around on the couch, I had high hopes that the hip thrusts and footwork that I’d seen on the dancefloor would guarantee several orgasms but when he touched my pussy his hands were graspy and uneducated, not what I had expected at all. It’s almost as if the dance moves I’d saw earlier had no bearing on his abilities as a lover.”
Sarah claims that when they eventually had sex it was “dull and uninspired” featuring only two positions and lasting approximately 8 minutes before “Mark shuddered and rolled off like a spent walrus”.
“I just don’t know what this means, all my life women’s magazines, Sex and the City and sitcoms have told me that guys who are good dancers are always good in bed but I had to stop Mark halfway through because his thrusting was formulaic and not in any way what I’d come to expect from someone who moved so well on a dance floor.”
Some of the standards set by women’s lifestyle magazines that Mark also failed to live up to include – being rugged yet immaculately clean, treating her like a princess without patronising her with antiquated gender roles and paying her lots of attention while also being aloof and playing hard to get.
