Following the news that electronic music legends The Chemical Brothers are to reissue their classic albums on vinyl, Sainsbury’s has revealed there is a “free sausage roll” up for grabs for anybody who makes a purchase.
Keith Stafford, head of sales for Sainsbury’s, is said to be spearheading the giveaway, designed to entice record collectors away from those “bastard money grabbing” independent record stores and boost profits for the “lovable” orange supermarket giant.
“We’ve struggled to shift units since stocking vinyl,” said a worried Keith. “I’ve been asked to use my creative mind, plus the million pounds of marketing revenue we have available, to take out any family owned, local, or independent record store that continue to take money from our pockets. They are the lowest of the low. real scum of society, selling the albums for a quid less than we do. I’ve been incentivised to get rid of them and that’s just what I’m doing.”
“Sausage rolls are the perfect solution,” continued Keith. “Everybody loves a bit of free grub and we know no independent will be able to rival this marketing campaign. If it fails, I have a plan B, which is to give away free money with each album purchased. Who doesn’t want free money?”
“People may say they want to be loyal to a record shop they’ve been visiting since childhood, where they are on first name terms with the owners and receive a wonderful, personal service. But you wait, a sausage roll or a steak bake can change all of that.”
