British musician Aaron Jones, known by the stage name SBTRKT, has today impressed fans with his honest admission that he suffers from a severe and rare condition known as irritable vowel syndrome.
Vowel irritation is an illness which causes the sufferer to avoid the use of vowels while spelling. Many believe that the illness started with the people who invented either the Welsh or Hebraic languages, which are both famed for their reliance on consonants.
The illness itself is believed to be related to Inconsonantce, which causes the sufferer to be intolerant to consonants, however the scientific community is still divided on this issue.
In some extreme cases the sufferer will also avoid voles due to the similarity in sound, and in the most extreme cases will go so far as to learn Welsh – a dead and unnecessary language like Irish, Latin or C++.
SBTRKT’s admission has been praised by fellow sufferers everywhere. PRML SCRM was the first to commend them in a statement made earlier today via their press team, who do not suffer from the illness.
“We want to thank SBTRKT for his honest admission. Sufferers everywhere have been embarrassed for years due to having such an affliction. We think he should be commended for his bravery, which I can only describe as very brave indeed – like leaping in front of a bullet to protect a beloved family pet or like the hipster men who wake up every day and decide not to shave even though it’s summer and hot and sweaty and itchy.”
SBTRKT himself will star in an advertisement to promote awareness of the disease which will see him sitting on the toilet with a pained look on his face whilst struggling to read a book.
The Welsh nation today declared a day of celebration, or “Dy F Clbrtn”, which will consist of parties in the streets which will culminate in the annual Burning of the Vowels ceremony, where giant wicker vowels are burned in alphabetical order. The day will also see effigies of Carol Vorderman, which are cobbled together from bits of mutton and lamb, carried through the streets before being trampled to mulch in a monosyllabic vowel-less grunt.
