In the last twenty years medical science has unveiled some stunning marvels, from mapping the human genome to heart transplants and Viagra, but today perhaps the most startling discovery of all time has been revealed to be a man who completely refutes the folk theory that drinking beer before wine is fine but that having wine before beer will make you feel queer.
“It’s astounding,” gushed lead scientist Alfred Markham, who made the discovery at a local nightclub after what he has described as a twenty year search for this most elusive of human specimens. “Since the dawn of mankind it has been commonly held that drinking wine after drinking beer leads to the most queer of feelings but now, having discovered David, we’re going to have to completely rethink the way we compose pithy rhymes that advise drinkers on the correct consumption of alcohol.”
Claiming that the discovery of David, an otherwise completely normal 25 year old man, is a Copernican revolution in dinner party and pre-gaming etiquette Dr. Markham has described the experimental evidence that commentators are suggesting should land the doctor two, if not three, Nobel Prizes.
“Under strict laboratory conditions at some local restaurants and David’s living room I observed David drink what was essentially a perfect storm of the two alcoholic drinks,” described Dr. Markham. “First he had several glasses of Pinot Grigio with dinner and then ‘pounding’ up to eight beers upon arriving home before reporting absolutely no ill effects from the historically queer feeling inducing combination.”
It is not known yet whether David is “a one off Bigfoot type dealio” insisted Dr. Markham claiming that further research would have to be done but the excitement of the doctor was palpable at the prospect of having discovered a new species of human, one who can drink wine before beer without feeling queer – the symptoms of which are vague but thought to include nausea, vomiting and being reprimanded by your mother for not adhering to accepted nursery rhyme based knowledge of drinking.
“We’re currently experimenting with different combinations of wine and beer,” concluded Dr. Markham. “My hope is that we can somehow find a genetic marker in David that somehow causes him to be okay drinking wine before beer and then isolate and utilise that genetic material so that humanity can then benefit.”
“My dream is that one day everyone will be able to drink wine before beer without feeling queer,” he added.
