A scientist in Rhode Island’s Brown University has made a breathtaking link between Neanderthals and popular Dutch EDM DJ Afrojack.
Neanderthals, a close relation to humans, are said to have roamed the planet around 300,000 years ago before becoming extinct, possibly at the hands of Homo sapiens, because they were “big, slow and dumb, just like Afrojack”.
According to Erick Smith, a physicist, the data linking Afrojack to the ancient species is “completely speculative” but all evidence points to it being true.
“I’m not an evolutionary biologist and I don’t really know what I’m talking about or have any authority on the subject,” explained Dr. Smith during a catch up with Wunderground, “but just look at a picture of a Neanderthal and then look at a picture of Afrojack and tell me they’re not related.”
“He has a number of physical traits in common with Neanderthals,” claimed Smith. “Including the extra big head and thick skull which would protect his tiny brain during clubbings from more intelligent beings, like primates, children and goats; and he has that lazy slouched gait which causes his knuckles to be constantly dragged along the ground when he walks and of course there’s the constant look of stupified bewilderment on his face.”
“It’s not just his physical appearance either,” claimed the scientist who has a reported IQ of one hundred and eighty. “If any of you have ever spoken to Afrojack you’ll have noted that he communicates mostly through a mixture of grunts and groans and is incapable of articulating himself without the aid of elaborate hand gestures.”
“He’s also unable to work anything other than the simplest of tools,” revealed Smith, “Which explains why all of his mixes are completely pre-recorded and why DJs playing after him often find the play button on CDJs almost completely worn out and usually covered in a sticky mess, made up mostly of ear wax, snot, feces and spit, or any sort of discharge that comes from an orifice on the body that can be picked or poked.”
“I don’t want to be getting ahead of myself here,” continued a cautious Dr. Smith, “but I am one hundred percent certain that Afrojack is the missing link in the chain of human evolution.”
Afrojack, pictured above showing how high he can count, is also believed to be directly related to that stupid dog off your road who chases buses, Tiësto’s forehead and Steve Aoki’s beard parasite.
