Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon has announced that Scotland is set to have a referendum to decide whether or not to claim independence from Calvin Harris.
Sources within the Scottish parliament have confirmed they now see Calvin Harris as a “far bigger threat to the nation than Brexit” and will
move forward with the referendum later this year.
“In this day and age, we’re far more worried about our image than we are about actual politics,” explained Scottish National Party MP Angus MacNeil. “Having Calvin Harris as a citizen is far more damaging to the nation than the possibility of leaving the EU. THere’s really no point in worrying about politics now, on account of the world being fucked, so it’s time to take care of the important things.”
According to the latest polls, approximately four out of five Scottish citizens believe the country will be a far more prosperous and happier nation without Harris on their census.
Alan from Aberdeen spoke to Wunderground, “Aye, it’s about time we got rid of that Harris fella, I’ve got absolutely no problem with foreigners or the English, I actually think they both help make Scotland a better place. Harris, on the other hand, gives everyone the impression that we’re a nation full of annoying pansies.”
“In the current climate the last thing we want is for people to be thinking we’re a nation full of the likes of Harris,” continued Alan. “If the Russians of the North Koreans get wind of that it won’t take them long to invade. The sooner we get rid of that lad the better as far as I’m concerned.”
Calvin Harris has yet to comment on the referendum, although, sources close to the pop star, have revealed that “he won’t give a fuck” as he’s been “denying his Scottish heritage ever since he got his teeth done”.
