In scenes reminiscent of Alfred Hitchcock’s, The Birds, a marauding gang of disgruntled Ibizan seagulls today shat on a potato chip and forced a tearful local ketamine dealer to eat it.
The incident, which is being investigated by the Guardia Civil’s top baton-wielding thugs, is believed to be a retaliation by the seagull population after drugged-up holidaymakers posted a video to Facebook of a seagull eating a chip that had been laced with ketamine by morons.
“Ever since that incident last week, the already fractious relationship between the seagulls and the humans intensified, with animosity flaring on both sides,” claimed a Guardia Civil spokesperson. “There have been reports of seagulls purposely shitting into sunbathers open mouths, stealing ice creams straight out of the hands of fat children and biting men’s topknot ket-buns.”
“On the human side then we’ve had reports of seagulls being forced to drink Carling, which is horrific because they actual prefer San Miguel,” he added. “It was only a matter of time before an incident like this happened.”
The victim of the heinous attack, which took place near the rocks at Cafe Mambo on Tuesday morning, has been identified as 24-year-old Luke Abbot from Grimsby.
Luke says that he was minding his own business, eating chips and selling ket when he was approached by a “group of rough looking seagulls”.
“They walked up the beach, chests bulging out, terrifying humans and other birds with their loud squawking and aggressive flying,” explained Luke. “You could tell they were hard seagulls on account of the mini-tracksuits they wore, their tattoos and the sovereign rings on their wings.”
“They surrounded me and began squawking in my face and flapping their wings roughly – which seemed to say ‘oh you’re selling ket, did you know that one of our mates died on account of some idiot putting your drug on a chip and making him eat it?'” he continued. “They didn’t even give me a chance to reply before the leader wrapped his beak around my chip, took a shit on it and forced it into my mouth while his mates held my head still with their wings.”
“It was like eating loam-flavoured mayonnaise mixed with snot and rainwater,” he wept. “I can still hear the sounds of their high-pitched bird laughter whenever I close my eyes. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look at a chip the same way again.”
Police have warned people on the island to be “cautious around birds, maybe feed them some bread and generally not be dicks to defenseless animals” to prevent any further incidents from occurring.
