Secret Garden Party Is A Great Party But A Shit Secret


Reports from the music industry this afternoon have confirmed that Secret Garden Party is a great party but one of the worst kept secrets in the world.

The festival, held between the 20 – 23 July in Abbots Ripton, England, has now completely sold out apart from a limited number of re-sale tickets, available here.

Festival organisers claimed “someone’s head would roll” after the festival became common knowledge earlier in the summer but now seem happy to have an event that looks like it will be packed to capacity when it kicks off this Friday.

“We were proper pissed off when word got out but now we’re thinking that running a festival that was a total secret probably wasn’t the best idea,” explained spokesperson Frannie Hodgson. “When we came up with the idea, it seemed really cool, edgy and unique but as we were getting closer to the date and noticing that we hadn’t sold any tickets it was getting a bit worrying.”

While it is not yet clear who leaked news of the festival, DJs Eats Everything and Jackmaster are the festivals primary suspects.

“It must have been those two,” Hodgson insisted. “Nobody else on the line up claims to be bigger than Jesus and we’ve seen the pair of them with a few drinks in them, a couple of bottles of Buckfast and a battered Mars bar and they’re anyone’s. We were going to give them the boot for it but now we’re actually kind of grateful.”

Liam Stones, a twenty three year old ticket holder, revealed he was told about the festival by a work colleague, “Jake from accounts told me about it but made me promise I wouldn’t tell anyone else. Naturally, I told all the lads about it and we all bought tickets.”

“I wanted to make it feel a little bit authentic so I haven’t told my girlfriend I’m going. I’d only end up with her sitting on my shoulders and carrying her handbag all weekend so she thinks I’m going to see my Nan in Cornwall for the weekend. I can’t fucking wait.”

Reports suggest that a number of “secret trains” will run directly to the festival from Platform 9 ¾ in London’s Kings Cross station on Friday morning.


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Secret Garden Party Is A Great Party But A Shit Secret

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