Real Life

Single 34 Year Old Lady To Stay In Ibiza All Winter To Avoid Questions About Her Future

A fun-loving, happy-go-lucky, party girl has opted to spend her entire winter in Ibiza, in an attempt to avoid questions from her family and friends about her future.

Thirty four year old Emily Hill, from Brighton, England, is said to be “unwilling” to face the barrage of condescending questions expected to be thrown her way by parents, siblings, aunties and uncles regarding “where her life is going”.

“Every single year it’s the same,” confirmed Emily. “They tell me I need to stop acting like a child by spending all summer in Ibiza. Apparently, even though I love where I live, love the work I do, love the people I surround myself with, and love getting up in the morning, I’m doing things all wrong. All I see from people back home are Facebook updates moaning about the weather, traffic, politics, naughty children, diets or television. They all seem to despise their lifestyle yet do nothing about it. Why the fuck would I want to get involved in any of that?”

“I think spending a winter season out here will be quite fun,” continued Emily. “There will be a severe lack of jobs and people but I’d prefer to sit alone in a dark cave, eating nothing but fish I have to catch myself for six months, than go back to England and face those judgmental cunts. I can live like Tom Hanks in Cast Away if I get that desperate.”

Gina Hill, Emily’s mother, had this to say on her daughter’s decision not to come home, “I think she’s afraid of the real world,” she told us in a patronising way. “What thirty four year old doesn’t want to get married and start a family? I don’t know where I went wrong as a parent but I feel ashamed to say that my daughter is living her life how she sees fit, doing what she loves, rather than what we expect her to do. Why can’t she just conform like the rest of us?”

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