Research compiled from a recent survey by the National Waiters Association (N.W.A) has revealed that Sliders are the novelty food currently most likely to be eaten by “cunts”.
We spoke with O’Shea Jackson N.W.A chairmen and head barman of Wetherspoons in Hackney about the revelatory findings.
“Basically we’d had a sudden influx of middle-class, web designer types in the pub and they were all both shocked and confused when they paid seven quid and received a full size burger and pint in return. They all pulled out twenties and seemed completely unprepared to receive any change” said a clearly bemused Mr Jackson, whilst attempting to mix five WKD blue & a half litre of port in a pint glass.
“They all started asking if the pint came from a small-batch micro brewery and why the ‘slider’ was on a plate and where were the other ‘sliders’. At this point I don’t know who was more confused, us or them. The staff all thought Sliders was a ropey mid-90s TV show starring Keith David, and chopping him into six pieces and mounting him on a chopping board made of reclaimed driftwood sounded a bit Rothschildesque for a family friendly pub. Naturally we thought we’d better do a survey: It’s what we do here in Britain when shit goes tits up.”
Mr Jackson said the survey, which was conducted across the whole of East London (via a man with a pencil moustache on a twee 1950s push bike in a bid to engage the target audience) alerted him and his fellow waiters and chefs to a whole market they were largely unaware of.
“We’d literally never seen their sort in our chain of pubs before. Turns out they’d all just come from Street Feast around the corner in Dalston, which had been evacuated after a large vat of salted caramel accidentally got upturned by a pissed up social media food vlogger”
“We left a trail of pulled pork shavings and independent brewery pamphlets near the front door and managed to corner a few of the stragglers by the disabled toilet, we then sprung them with the survey. Apparently you can no longer claim to be creative in Britain if you eat either reasonably priced or unspectacular, functional food.”
“It has to be served in the sort of containers that generally accumulate around the back of your dad’s shed and has to come in portions smaller than the wages of a Nike sweatshop worker.” Said an evidently chuffed Mr Jackson.
“It’s worked out fantastically well. We can now sell one burger between eight to ten people and charge them all individually and resell all our stale John Smiths branded as ‘small batch American flat wheat lager’.”
“The only down side is the pub is now full of gaping cunts.”