A young office worker is this morning annoying all of his hungover colleagues with his incessant chatter about how he “didn’t touch a drop” of alcohol over the weekend and is “feeling great”.
Stu Campbell, a 29 year old data entry clerk, reportedly “swanned into work” this morning “without a care in the world”, in direct comparison to the “other 99% of the office” who “trudged in reluctantly” nursing a variety of hangovers ranging from “not too bad” to “absolutely dying”.
Colleagues claim that since arriving into work this morning Stu has recounted his “fresh and wholesome” weekend of “yoga, good food and loads of fresh air” to “about 5 different people” none of whom were remotely interested.
“It was such a great weekend,” beamed Stu. “Sometimes it’s good to just take the foot off the pedal and give yourself a bit of downtime ya know? I had a great TRX class on Saturday, cooked a vegan curry yesterday and was in bed by 11.30 last night. I feel great. You should try it, maybe you wouldn’t feel so bad if you weren’t out raving til all hours of the weekend ya know? Cause I took it easy and I feel great.”
“Did I mention how fresh I feel?” he added.
Stu, who claims to have enjoyed a “brisk and energising cycle” into work, has so far not responded to the different “dirty looks, complete lack of interest and outright threats” from any of his colleagues when unwittingly boasting about his healthy weekend with “that stupid happy head on him”.
“I honestly couldn’t give one solitary fuck about what that happy headed prick did all weekend,” explained co-worker, Janet, who says she received a barrage of unsolicited conversation from Stu when she “collapsed” into the office at 10.30 still in the clothes she wore last night and wearing the unmistakable perfume of alcohol on her person. “Before I’d even sat down and took my Nurofen he was in my ear, with that fucking bounce in his step and glint in his eye, the fucker.”
“Hearing about his clean weekend makes mine seem a lot dirtier,” added another colleague. “And not in a good way.”
The staff concluded that they’d no choice for the rest of the day but to just mute Stu’s incessant chatter down to a low drone by “ignoring him altogether” in the hopes that he’d “eventually shut the fuck up”.
“I actually didn’t know anyone could talk so quickly and animatedly about fucking yoga,” added Janet. “Isn’t that level of activity against their whole laid back vibe? Arsehole.”
At the time of going to press upper management have responded to complaints about Stu’s “annoyingly happy disposition” by issuing a statement informing all workers that “if you must have the sort of alcohol-free weekend normally reserved for ascetics and boring people then please refrain from rubbing everyone else’s faces in it”.
