In a monumental day for dance music, Steve Aoki has managed to score 50,000 points on popular DJing video game DJ Hero a feat which the long haired EDM star claims proves once and for all that he’s a “real DJ”. Reports suggest that Steve set about the task a mere six months ago, and is reportedly “as happy as a pig arresting a juvenile for possession of a minor amount of marijuana.”
According to his manager, he had tried various other paths to prove his mettle as a “real DJ” including applying for Simon Cowell’s new TV show, which is set to enter dance music culture like an unwanted penis that has shriveled from being tightly wrapped in a pair of pants that have been pulled up to the nipples, and at one stage, even considering having “the operation” (known in medical circles as “the Pinocchio Procedure”) which would successfully make him a “real DJ”.
On this point, he had this to say, “I’ve always felt like a good DJ trapped in a shit DJ’s body. Nobody knows the suffering that goes hand in hand with this. I understand track selection, mixing and the art of building a set… I just can’t do any of them.”
He continued, “Honestly, for years I thought I might be a baker trapped in a DJ’s body. I still have these urges every couple of months to bake a cake, but then I get frustrated at how badly it turns out and just launch it at some unsuspecting member of the crowd.”
“So I set about proving my DJing chops in the only way I could, by trying to get the highest score I could on DJ Hero. It’s been a long arduous slog,” he said. “Much like one of my gigs,” he added with surprising candour. “That game is so tough, there’s no sync button or fawning sycophants to help you out.”
His manager is set to mark the occasion by hosting an event where some “real DJs” will play, however, he has made it clear that Aoki himself will not be playing.
“Fuck beating DJ Hero,” moaned Aoki’s manager who maintains that the feat doesn’t make him a real DJ. “He’s still shite.”
“I’m just in it for the money and cake,” he offered by way of explanation. “As soon as that runs out I’ll, magpie like move along to the next talentless cash cow….you wouldn’t have Paris Hilton’s number would you?”
