A promoter was left in disarray recently after his headline act, former World Snooker Champion Steve Davis, turned up for his set without any music or headphones.
Instead, Davis, three times Britain’s Most Boring Man turned DJ, pitched up for the gig a mere two minutes before he was due to begin, armed only with his snooker cue, chalk and a bottle of Highland Spring.
“I couldn’t believe it,” said Larry, founder of the new up and coming techno night “Cunted”. “At first, I was just super pissed off he was only drinking water, as we have a strict code permitting our acts to consume nothing but drugs at all times. But, then I realised, ‘shit, this guy actually thinks he’s here to pot some balls’. Instead of lining up his vinyls in the order he was going to play them, he was adjusting his bow-tie, getting his extension out and kept asking me how many frames we were playing!”
After speaking with Steve’s doctor, it appears all is not well in the Davis camp. Officially being diagnosed with amnesia last month, it is proving to be a difficult time for the self-proclaimed “Snookerstar DJ” as he looks to embark on something that he thought would be time-consuming enough to prevent him from topping himself. Now, Steve Peters, who has just become Davis’ medical consultant through recommendation from several wreckheads in the music industry, has expressed his concern.
“Things were going so well for Steve. He’d spent several months rinsing Discogs, had all but perfected the craft of rolling a note, reached the final draft of his rider – hell, he’d even been booked to play the main portaloo at Glastonbury! But now there is serious worry surrounding him, from myself as well as his family. He is genuinely transfixed with the notion that he is still a professional snooker player. When his family sit around the dining room table for dinner, he’ll walk around chalking his cue looking for the best angle to pot a ball.”
He added, “It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Loads of DJ’s have fallen off the circuit before. Look at Rustie, Benga, Lee Curtis – this list goes on. I’d like to take this opportunity to tell Steve’s fans to look upon this as a positive. If this is the route he has to take into DJ folklore, so be it. Plenty two-bit turntablists have done far less to get to that level of insanity.”
