An eighteen year old student from Manchester, England, took two grams of the popular club drug ketamine before an exam this morning in an attempt to alter time and give himself “more time to answer the questions”.
English literature student Danny Coleman turned to the drug after falling behind in his studies due to his on going struggle to find a healthy balance between work and play.
“To be honest it’s been bloody hard work,” said Danny. “I have the ‘play’ part nailed on. I go to the SU bar every single night for pre-drinks, then end up in a club and getting on it until the early hours before heading home with some skanky bird.”
“What does me in is the ‘work’ part. I’ve been here for six months and only been to three lectures. I didn’t realise there was such a big emphasis on education at university. I assumed the government gave us our student loan to go and enjoy our youth and spend it on things like beer, takeaways and drugs, not wreck our heads reading Shakespeare books and trying to decipher pissy poems by Wordsworth that make about as much sense as the female menstrual cycle.”
According to Danny’s roommate Scott, “a bit of ket” would be perfect to slow down time during the two hour essay based exam.
“I went to Warehouse Project for the first time last month and got well messy during Jamie Jones’ set,” explained Scott. “Some bird gave me a bump of her ket and the night seemed to last for ages. I gazed vacantly into the distance pondering life for what felt like seven hours, but it was actually only forty three minutes and twenty seven seconds.”
“Once Scott told me about the time altering qualities of ket I had no choice but to get on it before the exam,” continued Danny. “Time was what I needed and ket was the answer. I knew if I fucked up my exams I wouldn’t be entitled to any more free money to get messy with, so I needed to do something drastic.”
“I think it went alright but I can’t really remember.”
Danny’s classmate, Carly Stevens, gave her account of the exam, “It was fairly easy really, the lecturer told us pretty much exactly what was going to be coming up so anyone who went to the classes would have had no problem with it.”
“It took that Danny bloke twenty minutes to get to his desk. He looked ill – really white and eyes all over the place,” she laughed. “I peeked at his page and the dickhead hadn’t even managed to fill out his name, which isn’t a surprise as all he did was drool and stare at his pen for the whole two hours.”
“It took three lecturers to carry him out of the hall and back to his room, I think he’ll probably have to repeat.”