A recent study has revealed that ninety nine per cent of party-goers visiting Ibiza for the first time are ready to go home by day two.
Conducted by the Bureau of Party Destinations (BPD), the study proved that no matter the age or sex of the first time visitor, they are always “pretty much dead” by day two having “completely overdone it and made a cunt of themselves” on day one.
“Ibiza virgins come here with a ‘go big or go home’ type of attitude, and that is always their downfall,” announced Jess Smith of the Bureau. “Many of the party brigade think getting pissed at the airport and on the flight is the perfect way to set the tone for a wild trip, when in reality all it does is tee them up for the painful realisation of being found out as a weakling.”
“Whether they claim to be true ravers hitting the super-clubs or just here for the fun and frolics of the West End, by day two they can usually be found lying in a pool of their own piss and vomit, nursing a pounding headache, wishing they were back home where mummy could make them some breakfast.”
Wunderground caught up with Bureau spokesperson Dan Thomas to find out how the study took place, “I work in the pussy patrol department,” laughed Dan. “You’d think that means I go out hunting for skanks to come home with me, but that’s not the case. I basically look for people who are out for the count having only been on the island for twenty four hours. You know, those who give it all the big ‘I am’, only to blow out on the second day. Those are the true pussy’s who we hunt and use in our studies.”
“Let it be known that if you are coming to the Island this summer, it is a marathon, not a sprint,” continued Danny. “Getting smashed in three hours is fine as long as you can maintain those standards. Nobody likes a Billy-Big-Bollox shouting his mouth off on day one, only to melt for the rest of the trip. That is not the true party spirit. If you want to behave like that, fuck off to Zante or Ayia Napa please.”
