Super strong Tesla ecstasy tablets currently arriving in Europe from China are believed to contain ground elephant tusk.
The pills had recently been flagged as dangerous for containing over two hundred milligrams of MDMA. However, according to a leading traditional Chinese medicine practitioner, it now seems these reports were false and the pills actually contain no MDMA and about twenty five milligrams of ivory.
London based Chinese medicine expert Bao Ling claims ivory is “Buddha’s gift to men” and can be used in the place of all “recreational and medicinal drugs”.
“I have been treating all my illnesses with ivory for years,” claimed Mr Ling. “And so far I’ve only had three heart attacks, one stroke, chronic bronchitis, a couple of hepatitises, ten doses of gonorrhea, inflammatory bowel disease and lost a kidney. At forty five I’m one of the healthiest practitioners of Chinese medicine in the world so I think I know what I’m talking about.”
“People have been panicking about these pills but I can confirm that they are completely safe,” revealed Mr Ling, before self medicating one of his many ailments with a cheeky bump of tusk. “In fact, if you take these pills not only will you have a really good time, you’ll also give your immune system a boost and cure any ongoing problems you’ve been suffering from.”
London raver Michael Thomas claims that Mr Ling is ”full of shit” after taking one of the Tesla pills last weekend and chewing a hole in the inside of his mouth.
“Believe me mate there is definitely MDMA in those pills,” insisted Mr Thomas. “I’d actually go as far as to say there’s fuck loads of it in them. I’d consider myself fairly experienced with pills and I can tell you that these things are strong. I’ve got the hole in my cheek to prove it.”
According to experts, Tesla pills are possibly the strongest pills ever recorded and are advising people to treat them with caution.