Amid rumours of a possible reunion, the EDM trio Swedish House Mafia have been officially downgraded to “just Swedish”.
The decision was made by the International Court of Arbitration after representatives of both the Mafia and House communities moved to distance themselves from music’s equivalent of the Three Stooges.
“It’s quite clear that the Swedish House Mafia are neither House or Mafia,” stated special court guest Judge Jules. “And therefore they are guilty of cheapening both the world of organised crime and refreshing dance music set to a four four beat. The only thing truthful about the Swedish House Mafia is that they are Swedish so I hereby judge, that from this day forth, they shall be downgraded to just Swedish.”
The news was met with rapturous applause from the viewing galleries, with many house fanatics and mobsters embracing before leaving the courthouse to embark on forty eight hours of partying, fueled by fine house music and the best cocaine the underworld has to offer.
However, certain sects of the public were not so happy with the court’s decision, with a number of Swedish people claiming the group gave an equally misleading representation of Sweden.
“It’s a bloody disgrace,” claimed Stockholm native Lars Jacobsson. “If their new name is going to be Swedish, then it gives people a really bad impression of Swedish people. We want to be known as gorgeous, blonde, tall Europeans, not cheap, commercial mercenaries. I’m going to start a petition to have the Swedish removed from their name.”
“Here in Sweden we feel great shame for two things,” continued Lars. “One is the support we gave the Nazis during World War II and the second is the amount of rotten EDM acts that come out of our country, I’m sure the two are probably connected somehow, and the Swedish House Mafia are, by far, the worst of these acts. Downgrading their name to just Swedish is going to make this guilt ten times worse.”
According to experts, the only reasonable solution to the problem is to wipe out all evidence of the Swedish House Mafia, force the former members to live in exile in the Antarctic and try our best to forget they ever existed.
More on this as we get it.