In a shocking incident reported today techno has blown a man’s face off. The former compilation CD compiler, Roger Flant, was at a club close to his home in Bishop’s Foot in West Bromfordshire, England when the intense dose of techno blew his face off.
Roger had attended the club with friends and witnesses have reported that he was indeed in possession of a face when entering the club. CCTV footage shows him, his face, and his friends entering the building at nine fifteen, with the incident occurring around half one the following morning.
The event itself was described by one witness as “mind-blowing”. A better witness was then found who described the scene in less pun-ridden detail.
“It was coming to that bit where shit’s about to pop in Higher State of Consciousness, the DJ had spun some clusterfunk of a remix of it. Proper nosebleed techno,” gushed the witness. “Just when it reached the crescendo, I heard this loud BANG. I turned around and there was face everywhere. Then in the middle of a circle of people was this dude with no face, but he had his hands in the air and he was shouting ‘TECHNOOOOOOO!’ I thought he was having a good time.”
Claims by the nightclub that the man was “off his face” prior to entry have been discounted as needless word play.
Further to this, suggestions by the nightclub that the man’s face may have been ready to explode prior to entry have been supported by the club’s doorman who was interviewed for a local paper the Bromfordshire Trump.
He gave credence to the notion that the man may have had something hidden in his face which caused it to explode, which is the current line of investigation for the police. He claimed that it was not club policy to search someone’s face on entry, and he further claims that, “Mr. Flant could’ve had anything stashed in that face of his. He has jowls like the bastard son of a gerbil and Winston Churchill doing a cotton wool cheeked impression of The Godfather.”
The night club in question released a statemen to say that the doorman’s views were the views of a madman and did not represent the views of the club itself “which fully supports Churchill, Gerbils, techno and faces.” They went on to say that everything was okay and that there was no need to worry, and why didn’t we all have a cup of tea and a nice sit down. The statement has been seen to be an attempt to pander to the public by some areas of the press.
The event has lead to a sort of witch hunt with Berlin like a new Salem and DJ’s caught mixing mad concoctions on their vinyl cauldrons will have to adhere to some new rules. DJ’s that play tracks that break 50 decibels, a glitch rate of over fifteen glitches a minute or which contain any distorted bass (and of course anything which even comes close to resembling “speedcore”) to be being banned by a new law. This law is punishable by fifteen years listening to Garth Brooks with John Denver for good behaviour.
Mr. Flant made a short statement on the way to court today. He said he regretted not having a face, he used to take it for granted, but now not a day goes by where he does not realise that his face was a vital part of him. He said it was time for the club to face the music, so to speak. He believed techno itself was to blame.
More on this as it happens.
