Techno Fan Requires Facial Reconstruction After Excessive Chin Stroking
Bradley Marshall, 29, was rushed to Royal Prince Alfred Hospital on Sunday morning requiring emergency facial reconstructive surgery after an incident at a weekend-long stint attending various electronic music nightclubs.
According to his friends and other onlookers, the damage was accidentally self-inflicted when Bradley was aggressively stroking his chin while leaning against the wall for an extensive period of time over the weekend.
“He was like a crack addict,” claimed Albert Jones, a close friend of his, despite never actually meeting a crack addict. “I’ve never seen someone chinstroke with such intensity. By the early morning he was pretty much down to the bone. He kept mumbling something about preferring to be at home and listening to his vinyl collection while leaving sarky comments under Mixmag articles. I guess he just wasn’t feeling the music.”
Riley Smith, another friend we interviewed said this behaviour was to be expected of late.
“I can’t say I’m surprised,” smith told us. “Brad’s been acting this way ever since he got back from his 1 week holiday in Berlin a couple of months ago. All night he kept moaning about the music and kept bringing up Berghain while tutting dismissively at every expression of enjoyment that we displayed.”
Bradley, while admitting that he may have gone a little overboard, still defended his actions.
“I was not impressed,” he croaked, as we interviewed him in his bed in the recovery ward. “The night was promoted as a techno party. I kept waiting and waiting for them to bust out the techno, but it was just tech-house. I hate it when that happens. Is there anywhere I can get some real techno in a nightclub anymore? Has the world gone mad? Of course I feel a little bit stupid that I need surgery from all of this, but what else was I going to do?”
Bradley is expected to make a full recovery and has been prescribed a strong dose of reality.