Scottish Chip Shop Caught Selling Deep Fried Ecstasy
A Scottish chip shop has today been closed after it was caught selling deep fried ecstasy tablets.
Reports from witnesses claim that local drug users, bored with injecting Buckfast into their big toes, have sought out ever more elaborate methods of drug delivery resulting in this latest fad.
“We’d had reports of people struggling to swallow ecstasy, tasting as it does of chemical sawdust, so decided to try and make it more appealing to the typical Scotch person,” claimed chip shop employee/drug dealer, Glen Harris, who constantly carries around the unmistakeable smell of batter on his skin. “They typically won’t eat anything unless it’s been fried in artery clogging batter or covered in sugar.”
“This seemed like the best thing to do, it quickly became our highest selling product after deep friend Mars bars, battered sausages and heroin,” he added. “The ecstasy takes on a chewy consistency like Jelly Babies or four day old Pepperami, which people seem to love – especially after they’ve already eaten a few and their jaws are going.”
The recipe, according to Glen, involves wetting the eccie in a little bit of whisky to help the batter stick then plopping it into the pan for no more than one minute.
“Then you just chew it and should be off your nut within about fifteen minutes,” he added before claiming that the heat of the pill makes it easier to digest causing consumers to “come up very fucking quick”.
“It’s a shame that the council had to shut us down as it really brought the community together in a way that nothing else really does other than hating the English and banging techno,” he added before tucking into another novelty item – cocaine and heroin covered smoked cod.
Glen insists that despite being sacked from his job and fined this isn’t the end of his forays into deep frying drugs and claims that he hopes to open a stall selling everything from deep fried eccie fritters to stab vests at next summer’s T in the Park festival.