The Prodigy’s front man and chief anti-drugs campaigner, Keith Flint, announced today that the British rave outfit would be going on a 20-date tour of the UK, “playing nothing but the finest and blandest of 125bpm chord progressions”.
In a press conference, fellow members Liam Howlett and Maxim Reality comforted the clearly shook-up Flint as he continued, teary-eyed. “We tried to stop it coming to this point, but we saw it was time at the last Warehouse Project. We were playing all of our classics, but nobody in the crowd could understand any of the breaks in our songs; they all just looked at each other in despair, longing for a monotonous thud to shuffle to.”
“Then the DJ in the second room played some Waze & Odyssey and the place emptied,” he added.
Howlett revealed to the press that the transition from mind-bending breakcore to zombifyingly-simple four-to-the-floor hasn’t been easy, “we used to neck a couple of little fellas and have a tune made in a day. Smack My Bitch Up only took us six hours and a few Mitsubishis,” he explained. “This new direction isn’t that simple, we’ve had to bring Keith out of his teetotal regime and feed him ketamine through an intravenous drip just for ideas. At the moment it’s a lengthy process and not that cost-effective, but we’ll get there”.
“A lot has changed, we’ve adapted ourselves to suit our crowd,” continued Liam. “We saw DJ Zinc go from making good jungle to really shit house and he did it well, so we took pointers from him. Keith’s been getting all of his gear from Topman and learning how to slide from side to side with a finger in the air, me and Maxim hit the sun-beds and we’ve just been lined up for a Boiler Rooms.”
Explaining what fans could expect from their forthcoming Reminiscent of Totalitarian State Marching Music tour, sponsored by Beatport, Liam said, “We’ve always been about the live experience, this time’s no different. We’ve decided against the idea of letting the front of the crowd descend into a sweaty mosh; this time around the front will be a designated pout-and-selfie area, so the true tech house fans can get into the real spirit of the gig. Security will be tight; anyone caught with ecstasy will be thrown out immediately and barred from all future events. We’ll also have a little stall at the back selling those spoons on chains so you can bump your ket without having to find someone with a key.”
The group refused to disclose the dates and locations of the tour at this point, given the death threats from long time followers. Hewlett claimed that true Prodigy fans would be removed from queues and events in case of trouble, “they’ll be easy to pick out, none of them would ever be seen dead in a low-necked top or jeans with a visible ankle”.
