The Weeknd can’t feel his face because he is absolutely fucking off it, a new report into the music industry has revealed.
The Whoopi Goldberg lookalike, real name Abęl Makkonen Tesfaye, is currently enjoying chart success with the likes of “Can’t Feel My Face,” “The Hills” and “Could Somebody Please Fix My Stupid Hair,” after breaking onto the scene in 2013 when he released his debut studio album “Kiss Land.”
Since achieving worldwide chart success and the financial rewards that accompany it, he has been doing what any other 26 year old man in his position would do and has had his head buried in a large bucket of 98% pure cocaine for in-excess of 136 hours each week, a source close to the artist has revealed.
“Yeah mate, he’s proper greedy like. Yeah fair enough, you’ve got loads of cash now and you want to sniff a kilo of yayo a week, I can understand that. But for fuck sake, put it out on the table and share it around with the rest of the team!”
“This routine of putting it in a bucket and sitting curled in the corner with your giant sister-act head stuffed down it blocking the entrance for the rest of us is just selfish, plus we’re sick of the cunt dribbling everywhere afterwards when his face goes dumb. Even my dog cringes at him when he starts dribbling on his shoes or tries to sing a song.”
“And the masturbation thing is just wrong. We get it, you like coke. But come on, do it in private mate.”
