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The Word Of God – The Meaning Of Life

The Word Of God – The Meaning Of Life

Humanity’s favourite disembodied cosmic deity answers some of the world’s most profound and enduring questions. He may be fictitious but he’s addressing very real concerns….

I’ve always being troubled about the meaning of life, why did you create the universe in all it’s beauty and variety of life?? R. Dawkins – Cambridge.

I get asked that a lot and I usually give the short answer that you should love one another but I can see that you’re the irrepressibly shrill and inquisitive sort Richard so I’ll tell you the truth.

When you’re a limbless specter floating in the void of eternity with nothing but your own thoughts, two things happen. First, you go completely and totally, mental. And second, you’re forced to devise ever complex methods of staving off that insanity.

Most creatures fight off the absurdity of life by engaging in the oldest hobby there is, wanking. Even you wank, Richard. I’ve watched you with your head back and your eyes squeezed shut in concentration. Groaning softly with your mouth stuffed by a pair of David Attenborough’s safari boxer shorts that you’ve doused with amyl nitrate….

Unfortunately as a disembodied deity with no hands or cock or minge, I can’t wank and if I had a body I wouldn’t be able to exist everywhere at once and interfere in human affairs. So, in a flurry of activity and fortuitous inspiration I decided to create the entire universe. A feat I achieved in one week. A personal best.

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In that universe I created humanity in my own image. You know when Jesus said some shit like ‘God is within’? He wasn’t talking out of his hole, there’s actually a small piece of me inside all of my creations.

So now any time one of you 6 billion humans are pulling the stomach’s off yourselves or bating the box I feel that pleasure. It’s pretty, pretty great! So keep having gay wanks about your scientific heroes, it makes no difference to me how you come, so long as you come because it makes me really happy. God out…

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