Following the news this week that hipster beards contain massive amounts of fecal matter, it has emerged that the opposite is true and that toilets are awash with beard molecules.
“It’s disgusting and I just feel repulsed by the news,” declared one toilet after tests confirmed that there are as many as 15 beard hairs in the area of the toilet at any one time. “No self respecting toilet wants fluffy, pizza covered facefluff on them. You don’t know which disgusting art student or media creative’s face it might have come from.”
“It’s a known fact that beards are the dirtiest surfaces on the planet after Paris Hilton’s fingernails or Piers Morgan’s tongue,” continued the toilet, who insists that despite people voiding their bowels into him several times a day he keeps himself fresh by flushing regularly and liberally applying Jean Paul Gautierre’s Eau Du Toilette. “Covered as they are with the residue of fifteen pints, snots, cheese and, if the owner is lucky, fanny juice.”
Scientists analysed hundreds of toilets and discovered that as many as 99% of them contained dirty beard molecules “in the seat, on the cistern and in the bowl” and that avoiding bearded men altogether is the best way for the toilet to say beard hair free.
“Some toilets were so hairy that they could actually be confused for beards or at least a pube trimming station,” claimed one scientist. “If you plan on using these toilets for pooing or snorting lines then you’ve got to be careful you don’t get beard hair all over your hands and face.”
“Beard hair can cause all sorts of problems if it gets into your system causing the victim to engage in such activities as cycling a fixie, rubbing your chin sagely while spouting nonsense about obscure bands and owning a beard comb,” continued the doctor. “All are dangerous symptoms of being a full blown beardie twat.”
