A record number of tour managers have taken to feeding their acts directly from the tit, a study published on working conditions in the dance music industry has today revealed.
“I don’t actually have tits,” says Jake N Stephens, tour manager for the lesser known EDM act, Quentin Mosimann, who currently sits number ninety nine in the DJ Mag top 100 chart.
“But being a tour manager you are used to dealing with the constant barrage of impossible demands from your artist, so when we arrived back to our luxury 5 star hotel after a grueling sixty60 minute set yesterday, Quentin fell straight out of the limo and collapsed on the pavement. The poor guy was completely exhausted.”
“The chauffeur was kind enough to lift him onto my back and I carried him up the stairs. When we got back to the room, Quentin refused to join us downstairs for dinner and wouldn’t wait fifteen minutes for room service to arrive either. He suggested that he actually might die if left without food for that time, and even made reference to how easy the starving in Africa have it. Yes, they might be hungry too, but do they have to DJ? No. So I suppose he has a fair point.”
“That’s when he demanded to be immediately fed from the tit. I suppose it was a shock at first, but it’s definitely not the strangest thing he has asked for regarding fluids coming from my body. As a titless tour manager it was a challenge, I’ll give him that, but after a few minutes meditating in the bathroom while googling ‘how to lactate in seconds even when you are a man’, I was good to go. Good old Google saves the day again, eh?
“I read a report in Tour Managers Digest where a scientist claimed that in 1.2 million years all male tour managers will have evolved tits and will naturally lactate from the side of the stage as their act spins their last tune.”
“That would have been handy to have yesterday! That, and a gum shield. My diddies are in bits this morning.”