Traces Of EDM Found At Stone Age Burial Ground

Archaeologists in Germany have discovered what they describe as, ‘traces of EDM,’ at the site of a Stone Age burial tomb near Mecklenburg, Germany.

The site, which dates back to the Neolithic period, is said to be at least seven thousand years old. Head archaeologist, Dr. Henry I. Jones, spoke of the findings, “What we’re looking at here is a burial site for someone who was quite a prestigious member of his society, possibly a shaman or a chieftain. There is also evidence to suggest that this was some sort of ceremonial site, with definite evidence of animal sacrifice present.”

“What’s really exciting about the site is the discovery of clear traces of EDM. It’s the first time we have found traces of the musical genre at a site this old, previously the oldest known traces of EDM were found at an old Roman villa near an abandoned warehouse in Manchester,” explained a leather jacket clad Dr. Jones.

“Archaeological evidence is like a massive join the dots picture. What looks like random dots on a page soon becomes a vibrant image, we can discover an awful lot about people and their societies if we join these dots up sufficiently clearly. We can tell by stress fractures to the feet and ankles of the remains that this particular person was fond of a good old rave, either that or he walked around for long periods with out any shoes on, but most likely the rave,” he said with a crack of his whip.

“We can also tell by the presence of semi-digested psilocybin mushrooms inside the stomach cavity that this particular society would have been raving while under the influence of psychedelic substances. Can you just imagine being out here under the stars, seven thousand years ago, having a rave and tripping balls, it must have been just like Ibiza,” enthused Dr. Jones.

Results of the archaeological dig, funded entirely by Armin van Buuren, are set to be presented at The Conservative Parents Against EDM Rally, which takes place in Tulsa, Oklahoma, next weekend. The concerned parents group are planning to petition the White House in an attempt to have a full scale ban on EDM implemented in the state of Oklahoma. It is hoped that the presence of EDM and recreational drug use in such early societies will help change the opinion of the group.