The world’s sense of perspective was blown apart like a home on the Gaza Strip today when a young DJ, claiming to be from the year 2025, returned to warn the entire planet of the dangers of trap music.
The young man, who plays under the name of “DJ Von Trap” (real name, Hilton Beckham Von Trapp), has claimed that trap is responsible for the decline of society in the year 2020, and further claims that the disaster has already been foretold to us by a group known only as “Flosstradamus”.
His startling assertions include the warning that trap remixes of already popular songs will be the only music that will be available after a great solar flare destroys all CDs and computers, and secondly that the music itself actually decreases brain power in the entire human species.
The second claim is supported by scientists even today. However, the first has caused a ripple of disgust, much like the disgusting ripples on Joan Rivers’ overly taut face.
The visiting DJ has claimed that the solar flare will erase all data on the hard drives of computers everywhere, including half written novels, illegally downloaded movies, banking records and entire life-time collections of pornography.
The horrifying notion that trap will be the only music left in the world has already seen hordes of angry people take to the streets in protest, and DJ Von Trap claims that protestors tearing down music shops in fits of blind rage is only the beginning. “Soon enough”, the time-travelling digital-DJ says, “we will see an increased interest in the Bible, anarchy and, worst of all, Jedward, all of which are sure signs of the beginning of the end.”
The supposed destruction of global financial records has seen bankers everywhere form a mass orgy of corpulent lucre where they have salivated themselves into a disgusting Bacchanalian climax on Wall Street. The public in general have refused to mop up this mess, as “we’ve already cleaned up the banker’s mess once before and look where that got us”, said a spokesperson today.
And lastly, the idea that life-time collections of pornography will be deleted has seen men everywhere take to their bedrooms with the curtains closed, and unfortunately has left half of our species unavailable for comment. Sociologists claim this trend of furious self-love will continue into the year 2020, if past studies are anything to go by.
The group of scientists from the PITS (Philadelphia Institute of Technology and Science) who support the assertion that trap decreases brain power list repetitiveness, lack of depth and repetitiveness as the reasons. Their study is funded by the Ultra Record label and is due out in 2030, which many critics claim is simply too late to avoid the catastrophe.
DJ Von Trap’s prophecy has claimed that the surviving collection of trap music, which will hang around the apocalyptic landscape like the foul smell of carrion, will be stored on a single hard drive by two overly cautious soothsayers and chroniclers of modern trends. It is believed these men live somewhere in Chicago and are the same “Flosstradamus” of which the prophecy speaks.
