A young digital DJ has today been caught wheeling around an empty records case to “prove he’s a real DJ” despite relying solely on USB.
The DJ has been identified as 24-year-old Marcus Bright, who counts his hobbies as picking cocaine out of his nose, acting the big man and using the expression ‘bang tight’ when talking about his own mixes.
“It was full of bits of old newspapers, mouldy sandwiches and banana skin,” explained Marcus’s friend Simon. “When I first saw him wheel up with the case I thought ‘wicked’, he might have some rare records but it was just full of receipts and crisp wrappers.”
“There were stickers on the outside promoting turntablist culture and everything,” he continued. “I’m just disappointed in him, not because I thought he was some kind of vinyl-only savant but because he’s such an image conscious spanner that he wheeled around an empty records case just cause he was ashamed to DJ with USB.”
Shocked friends say Marcus has been wheeling around the case for years in what is obviously a bid to get old school props and groupie pussy.
“He brings it to every gig, so when he walks past the queue everyone sees him and assumes he’s a DJ thus wanting to be his friend or fuck him,” he continued. “One time he didn’t have it with him and people didn’t believe he was a DJ when he told them apropos of nothing. After that he’s just brought it everywhere just in case.”
“Marcus has been known to show up to any type of social event with the case, including funerals, cot deaths and war tribunals,” he added. “At some point in proceedings somebody will ask what the case is for and he’ll say ‘I have a gig later’ with an air of practiced nonchalance while tapping the crate and smirking.”
