It’s with sadness that Wunderground must report that the planned Valencia Bay oil rig set to be constructed off the coast of Ibiza is expected to have its panoramic ocean view absolutely defiled by the sight of thousands of happy clubbers having the time of their lives on an idyllic island just a small stretch of ocean away.
The oil rig, which it is hoped will destroy the ocean’s wildlife and give the beautiful stretch of Valencia coastline a much needed industrialized and ugly facelift, will have its views of the surrounding ocean and the pleasure of its workers impinged upon by the ruthless and unthinking party island of Ibiza.
“All we want to do is exploit the ocean floor for precious pollutants in peace,” claimed Cairn Energy CEO Simon Thomson. “But that is ruined by these greedy clubbers and their insatiable thirst for an escapist paradise that has a special place in the heart of all who visit it. It’s absolutely disgusting.”
Mr. Thomson claimed that the continued existence of Ibiza could potentially devastate the company’s plans to construct a gigantic metal monstrosity in the middle of the sea and lead to a “slight loss in profits” for the oil company.
“You can’t win with these people, since when is destroying a UNESCO world heritage site and crippling the economy of a much loved island a bad thing?” asked an exasperated Mr. Thomson who says that should construction go ahead “having Ibiza there, like a blot on a pristine canvas” will cause immeasurable hurt and distress to the faceless corporate monster.
“When working on an oil rig like this you don’t want to have to have your day ruined by an eyesore like the internationally loved clubbing mecca of Ibiza,” continued Mr. Thomson. “Oil workers just want to get on with their filthy, dangerous job without having this magical, happy island nearby.”
“There’ll be people on jet skis and yacht parties with scantily clad sexy people, enjoying beautiful sunsets on romantic beaches and laughing,” explained a crestfallen Mr. Thomson. “No one wants to have to look at that, day after day, while they try to mercilessly drill into the crust of the earth for profits.”
Mr. Thomson also raised the issue of how the nightclubs and parties of Ibiza would cause unbearable levels of noise pollution that would affect the planned project. “If the clubs stay in business it’ll be a travesty because it means that, with all that pounding dance music, I won’t even be able to hear the gigantic mechanical pistons grinding into the ocean floor, destroying natural habitats and bursting the ear drums of whales.”
“Imagine you’re an oil worker,” offered Mr. Thomson, “who can’t go about his or her day risking a catastrophic underwater oil leak, without hearing the distracting sounds of techno and merriment coming across the water.”
A petition has been started by Cairn Energy to stop Ibiza from holding any more parties and prevent continued disgusting vistas like the one pictured by having the island “blown out of the sea” or at least turned into more of a concrete hellhole, “like Benidorm”.
“I think the businesses of Ibiza are just being enormously selfish,” he concluded. “There’s only this tiny dying planet for us to exploit for a devastating natural resource and they won’t let us do it in a stretch of water that would place risk on their livelihoods and continued existence, it’s sickening.”
Could you please correct “ocean” for “the Mediterranean”, because that’s where Ibiza is.