WARNING: Police Seeking Strange Man Trying To Get Kids Into This Van
Police all over America’s east coast are asking parents to be vigilant after a number of people reported a “strange prison-like truck” with a “creepy British driver” approaching a number of children in neighbourhoods all over the eastern seaboard.
The driver, described as “forgettable”, is believed to be trying to tempt children into his mobile dungeon with the promise of fun, dancing and “shooting the shit about EDM”.
So far there have been no reported abductions, with a number of neighbourhood children claiming the music was “too loud and annoying” for them.
Witnesses have claimed that the weird looking truck would pull up in various locations and entice children as young as four into the back of the van to “listen to dance music” while being encouraged to dance, often provocatively, as an unnamed man looks on, salivating.
The truck in question, pictured above, is plastered with images of popular Scottish EDM star Calvin Harris, although it is not yet clear if Harris, whose latest studio album, Motion, is released in North America today, is involved in the sinister plot to steal your children.
However, an unnamed source from within the Philadelphia Police Department has indicated that Harris is in fact wanted for questioning about a number of other people trafficking incidents, “There are a number of missing persons reports in which Harris is named as a suspect,” reveled the source. “At this moment in time he is wanted for questioning and warrants have been issued in the State of Pennsylvania.”
The source went onto reveal that a number of the artists featuring on Harris’s latest album have not been seen since collaborating with the Scotsman and sightings of a truck matching the description of the one pictured above have been reported near the scene of the last known whereabouts of a number of these pop stars.
“Of the twelve collaborating artists on Harris’s album, two have been reported missing, three have not been seen in at least three weeks and one, Alesso, has been spotted working as a ladyboy in a seedy Glasgow brothel,” explained the unnamed policeman. “We think that Harris might have underestimated the royalties bill for his album, panicked and abducted half of the featuring artists in an attempt to save money.”
Harris, who lists the Child Catcher from popular 1960s children’s film Chitty Chitty Bang Bang as his main musical influence, depends on musically naive children and their parent’s disposable income to fund his lavish lifestyle and any connection to potential kidnapping plots could prove disastrous for his career.