It was reported in Mixmag this week that the Welsh Government has funded a drug testing service which allows drug users to anonymously test the quality and strength of their drugs.
Lauded as a win for the protection of drug users and reasonable policy making around drugs the government claimed that its end goal wasn’t “to sort out junkies” by enabling access for users to test drugs but “to make England look less progressive and a bit backwards by not thinking of it first”.
“We’re going to beat them in the rugby and we’ll beat them at conscientious policy making,” bragged Health Minister Mark Drakeford. “Any time I go to Westminster I’m always subjected to pompous triumphalism and border line racism. It’s always ‘in the valleys’ this and ‘sheep shagger’ that. But now, with this new initiative it’ll be all ‘forward thinking, harm reducing’ this and ‘brave attempt to save the lives of a neglected drug users’ that.”
Minister Drakeford went on to claim that “this isn’t a unique piece of legislation” and promised that they would continue to legislate more progressive attitudes towards drugs “so long as England doesn’t” and that if England followed suit and treated drug policies as a social rather than criminal issue they’d “just do the opposite”.
“I really wish we’d thought of that,” claimed Tory backbencher Posh St. Stereotype, “But because we haven’t, and because we’re trapped in an oppositional system of tit for tat with those on the left, then naturally we’re dead against it,”
“Even though it’s probably a good idea that saves lives,” he added.
“Well to be honest with you, we’re going after the junkie vote,” explained Minister Drakeford, “For example, one in three Welsh housewives is addicted to cocaine while the other two like to huff aerosols ‘of an afternoon’ so that’s a hefty number of votes to get onside. That’s middle Britain for you.”
“It’s like this, you tell the average voter that you’re introducing a policy that will promote social inclusion, and they’ll shrug unconcernedly and ask you what the fuck you’re talking about,” he concluded, “But you tell these pill popping rave zombies that you’re going to help make sure their gear is better quality then they’ll definitely think you’re the shits, and hopefully then they’ll get up off the couch, put the rolled up fiver down and come vote for us.”
