According to the latest employment statistics, the world’s most independent woman, Beyoncé, now has over two thousand members of staff working for her throughout her various business ventures and personal life.
The former Destiny’s Child singer is believed to have an “army of personal assistants” to help her through her hectic daily schedule and ensure the star doesn’t suffer from exhaustion.
“Beyoncé is definitely the most independent woman I’ve ever come across and she’s such a positive role model for all young women with aspirations in the business world,” claimed Mary Burke, Beyoncé’s chief towel holder.
“She has her own cars, her own businesses, her own houses, literally everything a girl could want and the best thing about it is she doesn’t have to lift a finger for anything,” continued Miss Burke. “She literally has a member of staff to run every aspect of her life. If that’s not a strong independent woman I don’t know what is.”
“I’m the Towel Department’s team leader,” explained Burke, forty six. “My job is to ensure that a member of the towel team is on hand every time Beyoncé needs a towel. It could be in her private gym, the bathroom or on stage at one of her shows, anywhere a towel could possibly be needed one of my team will be there. I also work quite closely with the Hand Soap Team, the Laundry Team and the Face Cloth Team.”
Beyoncé, pictured above with some of her Grocery Shopping Team, claims that the best indicator of success is how lazy a successful person can make their day.
“I’m an extremely busy and independent woman,” claimed the singer. “Between getting out of bed and ordering my minions about the house I barely have time to sit down and drink wine and eat chocolate all day, barely. Luckily I have a Corking Team to open my bottles or I’d never manage to find the time.”
According to sources close to the star, Beyoncé is planning on expanding her staff buy over 50% in the next two years, creating roles for over a thousand workers in the areas of shoe lace tying, bra strap closing and opening, hard foot-skin removal and may even include Kanye West as a celebrity arsewipe.
