Boris Johnson recently claimed that he had made the biggest mistake since Brexit after sniffing a massive line of ketamine that he thought was cocaine.
According to Prime Minister Theresa May, Johnson got himself into “an awful pickle” and had to be carried out of Parliament by Philip Hammond and David Davis.
“Boris needs to realise that he’s the Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs, not the Secretary of Getting Into a State on Foreign Powders,” quipped May, in a rare flash of quick-wittedness. “Ever since Brexit he’s been strutting around this place like a petulant little schoolboy, taking all sorts of drugs and just being a general nuisance.”
“He doesn’t even wait until he gets out of the House of Commons before he starts racking up lines these days,” continued May. “He just sits there, in the front row, and as soon as business is finished he just does them out on a framed picture of Nigel Farage’s face he carries around in his pocket, he’s getting really out of hand and sloppy, a pre-Brexit Boris never would have gotten his coke and ket mixed up.”
“But, that’s exactly what he did yesterday, he just sniffed the whole thing and stood up and shouted ‘whoopsie, that’s my biggest mistake since Brexit, somebody’s going to have to look after me now’,” revealed the Prime Minister. “Then, things got really weird when he started shouting ‘feed me mummy’ and chasing Justine Greening around and trying to grab her tits, the poor woman hasn’t been right since. Eventually he passed out in the opposition back benches”
“And, to top it all off, both Philip Hammond and David Davis have put their backs out carrying the sod out of here. We’re going to have to do something about this fella, he’s ruining it for the rest of us.”
Unconfirmed rumours suggest that Johnson spent the remainder of the evening confusedly wandering the hallways of Westminster, sobbing and shouting things like “David where are you?” and “I’m sorry Cammy, it wasn’t supposed to end like this, I love”.