Hipster Loses Face After Beard Becomes Entangled In Chain Of Fixie
A young hipster has been left horribly disfigured after a freak accident saw his unnecessarily long beard become entangled in the chain of his fixed speed bicycle causing it to rip off the skin and flesh of his lower jaw and cheeks.
Londoner Andrew Benton was cycling the 400 metres from his home in Dalston to the boutique record shop where he works when a gust of wind blew stray strands of his four foot long beard into the crank and chain of his vintage, red chrome, fixed speed bicycle.
“It happened so fast,” explained Andrew, pictured before the accident doing an ironic and funny pose of casual disinterest that he spent four hours perfecting. “One second I’m cycling along, whistling the latest Sun Kil Moon track, when suddenly I feel the horrific tug of my beard in the crank.”
Andrew claims that in fear he began to pedal even faster thinking that the pain was “caused by some povo homeless trying to pinch [his] Gameboy” from his man bag, but that cycling even harder caused the beard to become even more entangled and rip off a large chunk of the skin and flesh of his face.
“It was the most horrible and painful experience I’ve ever gone through,” said Andrew, struggling to speak. “Even worse than the time The Libertines broke up and I had to stop wearing my red Libertines tunic.”
When Andrew was queried as to why he grew the beard so unnecessarily long in the first place, he said that he “was just trying to stand out by having the most extravagant, and therefore best, beard in London” and that it also “helped achieve the in vogue ‘lumberjack’ look while also keeping [his] exposed ankles warm”.
Paramedics on the scene say that when they found Andrew his fixie “was basically wrapped around his face” and that attempts to loosen it by cycling backwards “only made things tighter”, leaving them with no choice but to “save as much of his face” as they could before insisting that it was lucky that none of his other unnecessarily long accessories became stuck such as his “festival wristbands, leather manbag or stretched earlobes”.
“I don’t know what I’ll do with the rest of my life now,” continued a tearful Andrew. “Unless horrible facial disfigurements suddenly becomes the epitome of urbane chic then I’ve lost my sense of identity. No-one will drink gin out of an old jam jar with me now that I look like The Hunchback of Notre Dame or Sloth from The Goonies.”
“Maybe Quasimodo is due for a revival,” he concluded hopefully. “Yeah, maybe horrible facial scarring will become cool and Quasimodo will replace Gavin McInnes as the hipster icon of choice and Vice mag will do an influential stuff piece about how people with half heads and hunchbacks are partying around Dalston every Thursday through Sunday, fucking everything that moves in some kind of weird sub-cultural fetish, like how women agree to sleep with Meat Loaf or people into weird sex drink each other’s piss.”