99% Of Tents At Festivals Just Used To Hold Your Shit

One of the world’s leading festival experts has claimed that 99% of the tents found on site at festivals are just used as a “safe-ish place to hold your shit”.

According to the expert’s research, the vast majority of tents at festivals are never used for anything other than storage, with under 1% of tents actually used for sleeping.

“Mostly, what we see are tents being used to store alcohol,” claimed the festival expert, who claims to have been to over fifty festivals in the last six years without once sleeping in his tent. “To a lesser extent, we see people use them to store other things, like spare clothes, air beds and sleeping bags, that won’t get used, and occasionally they’re used as changing rooms or as a shelter.”

“What we very rarely see, is people actually sleeping in their tents,” continued the expert, who had absolutely no credentials, but was very convincing and wore lots of old festival wristbands on his arm. “Sleep at festivals is usually done out of necessity rather than practicality, so normally, in my case anyway, I sleep wherever I end up, rather than in the comfort of my tent.”

“I’m not saying I don’t sleep, I just sleep in ditches or portaloos or directly in front of a stage,” continued our source, whose credibility was quickly diminishing. “I find I sleep much better when I’m in the middle of all the action. That way, as soon as I wake up I can get straight back on it and my chances of missing out on anything are greatly reduced.”

“It’s funny, most of the 1% of tents that are actually used for sleep aren’t actually used by their owners either,” he claimed. “It’s usually someone who just couldn’t find their own tent and crawled into whatever tent was closest to them at the time. It’s kind of an unwritten rule at festivals that you can sleep in anyone’s tent, as long as you don’t take anything and you pay it forward by letting some other randomer sleep in yours.”

In related news, 99% of people who claimed they’re “going to get some sleep” at festivals this summer are reportedly “talking through their arses”, with most attempted sleep resulting in “three to four hours of uncomfortable tossing and turning”.

This piece of cutting edge journalism is brought to you by the lovely people at EXIT Festival.