A new study conducted by the Department of Important Studies has revealed that your DJ aspirations are “a pathetic dream and that you should give up trying immediately”.
“Wanting to become a super star DJ is like wishing unicorns were real, winning the lottery or finding true love. Completely unrealistic,” claims the study. “Every time someone wishes they were a DJ a little part of what they could have been dies because essentially they’re just wasting their time.”
“You’ll waste years of your life practising and pursuing something that will never, ever happen because either you’re not ‘marketable’ enough, you’re unlucky or, more likely, because there’s already far, far too many aspiring DJs,” insisted the study. “Best to just give up now and let the dream die.”
The report recommends never following your dreams because they will only crash and burn around you until you discover that you’re a 35 year old failed DJ with no source of income and no skills for any other work, at which point you’ll probably be better off killing yourself rather than altering your career plan.
“A faith worse than death waits the failed DJ,” continued the report which surveyed all possible career paths and found that DJ topped the poll of the most unrealistic alongside president of the universe, dragon tamer and professional masturbator. “The 99.9% of DJs that don’t get to a point where they make money through it are better off pursuing something more realistic like Hollywood A-lister or substitute teacher.”
The study concludes by recommending that anyone who is right now trying to become a professional DJ to “just give up before you spectacularly fail and embarrass yourself and your family and friends and everyone who knows you with your pathetic little pipe dream”.
